The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
