please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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