if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I have post one night stand depression
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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