I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
