I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
