She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
