If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
