I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
