Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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