That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize