you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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