You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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