i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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