What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
