I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize