Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
