Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
it hurts more in the daytime
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
