I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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