I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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