Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize