There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
