You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
