When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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