I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
