I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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