You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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