My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
