It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I smell like Dick and happiness
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
