Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
