I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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