Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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