I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
