The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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