I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
