I wanna bring you to show and tell
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
