last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
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