I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
