look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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