Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize