Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
