WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
