Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
