I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
