i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
