neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
