Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
