your thong is hanging out like whoa
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
