i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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