Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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