I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
