i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
