It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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