i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
