I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
