I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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