At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
