just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize