Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
