if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
