I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
